#78: Examples of Negative Self Talk and How to Change It
Everyone Experiences Negative Self Talk
Negative self talk impacts so many of us and, in this article, you’ll learn examples of negative self talk and how to change it. You might experience negative self talk when you make a mistake or things don’t go the way you planned. That’s ok! Our brains are wired to focus on the negative and to get stuck in patterns. The good news is, you can rewire your brain to focus more on positive thoughts and less on negative self talk.
Awareness is the first step in understanding where you are today and understanding yourself in a different way. It is the first step in order to be able to change negative self talk to positive thoughts which will then allow to shift your thoughts, uncover more of your path and discover more of who you really are.
Negative Self Talk and the Brain
Your first step is to know where you are in this moment. What are your thoughts telling you? When we bring our attention to our thoughts, it is a way for us to understand where we are currently. There are a lot of studies that have been done around the mind. When you learn more about the mind, you can see how powerful it is. That's why it's been so fascinating to me, and that's how I've ended up in a lot of this work now and exploring the mind body connection.
According to Peak Dynamics, we have about 60,000 thoughts per day. Of those thoughts, 75% are negative thoughts. We are wired, as humans, to have a negativity bias. This means we look for and focus on the negative aspects of any give situation. If you think about a story that you read recently, you most likely remember more of the negative points of the story than the positive ones. Along with that, 95% of our thoughts are repetitive. From one day to the next, we will be thinking mostly of the same thoughts over and over.
This means that we’re telling ourselves the same things over and over again, and we're focusing on mostly negative thoughts! It’s not wonder why it can feel hard to make forward progress in our lives. We’re staying in negative thought patterns and repetitive loops most of the day.
There’s so much power in understanding the negative thoughts you're having, how you can change them and how you can shift them to something positive.
When you have the positive thoughts flowing, that's where you can really be in an energy that attracts something different for your life. That's why things like gratitude practices are really helpful and supportive to the process. It allows you to focus on things that you already have and vibrate energetically from a place of fulfillment instead of a place of lack.
There are a lot of different ways that we can show up and we can tell ourselves negative thoughts. I wanted to work through a few examples of negative self talk so that it can give you some ideas of what’s happening in your mind and what you can replace your negative thought with.
Replacing these negative thoughts can support you in any area of your life. It can support you in making a job change, if you want to make a big move, if you want to enter a new relationship, or even if you want to break from a toxic relationship. All of these situations have so many thoughts associated with them and can feel scary so they have a tendency to leave you stuck where you are. Especially when you consider how many negative thoughts our brain naturally has and how repetitive our thoughts are.
The mind is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones. -Psychologist Rick Hansen
I love this quote from psychologist Rick Hansen because it is an easy reminder and explanation of how the mind usually works. The negative experiences are going to stick like Velcro. They’re going to stick and stay programmed in your brain. The positive thoughts are bouncing off of your mind and not sticking at all. Typically, when we have a positive thought we will then immediately replace it with something negative.
This is a way to see how much potential there is to change the way your brain works, to change how your thoughts work, and to change what you think about so that you can have something different in your life.
Identifying Negative Self Talk
Becoming aware of your negative thoughts is the first step in identifying negative self talk and being able to work your way through it. Negative thoughts can be sometimes like sneaky or hard to pinpoint depending on what you've been telling yourself. You could have stories in your mind that have been there for so long, probably decades. They could be things from childhood that you still tell yourself. You know when you think of any money examples such as money doesn't grow on trees. That's a belief about money. Any stories that you may have heard at a young age, or stories that you experienced from a young age, can have a lasting impact on you. Keep that in mind as we're going through this.
When you're trying to pinpoint and identify your negative thoughts, they may be hard to see, and that's okay. It's really having that awareness and to know that that might happen, because you might even say, I don't really have negative thoughts. Your negative thoughts might not even show up clearly as negative thoughts. Your mind will form thoughts and beliefs of all sorts in order to keep you “safe” which may lead to you feeling stuck and not wanting to or feeling too scared to take the next step.
The first part is observing and taking notes of your thoughts, especially of your negative thoughts. Look for any repeating patterns or any specific phrases that you say most often - everyone has them. Every human has them. Don't think there's something wrong with you to have these. It's more about what are the negative thoughts that you have in particular so that you can work through them, shift them and reframe them to something else.
One way you can do this is by writing down the thoughts you observe throughout the day. You can jot them down in a list or put them in the notes app on your phone. You don’t have to figure out what your thoughts mean in this moment. This is really an activity to identify some of the repeating negative thoughts that you have. Take some time throughout the days and weeks to see some of these things that you're telling yourself. What are some of those stories?
Below are some examples of negative self talk that you may see within yourself as you start to pay more attention to your thoughts. Once you identify your negative thoughts, you can work to reframe them into something more supportive and aligned for you.
Negative Self Talk Example 1
The first example of negative self talk is:
“I need to fix _____ about myself. I am not enough.”
You may not go around specifically telling yourself I am not enough. It can look like needing to fix something or needing to change something about yourself as a way to be enough. This negative self talk example can come up in a lot of different ways so be mindful of any time you're trying to fix something or prove something in some way. It could be because you have this feeling of not enough-ness. Not enough-ness is something that keeps you stuck, or it keeps you on this cycle of running yourself ragged and pushing yourself to try to be or do something different.
Not enough-ness is a low expression of yourself. It’s not the truth and it’s not supportive of you as the amazing person that you are. Remind yourself that you are enough exactly as you are. None of us are perfect. None of us – not you, not me and not your next door neighbor. None of us are perfect, and when we focus on our weaknesses and our imperfections, it holds us back from our highest potential, because our brain is focusing on what needs to be fixed instead of the possibilities of where we can go.
There is always going to be room for improvement. There's always going to be room for growth. However, when you focus on saying that you're not enough when you when you focus on what you think is wrong with you all the time, it holds you back. It doesn't embrace your strengths. It doesn't give you courage and conviction to move forward. It keeps you in uncertainty. It keeps you in lack and it keeps you in proving yourself in some way, shape, or form. That's not going to help you get to where you want to be in your life. It's not going to bring you peace, joy, understanding or an ability to not get stressed out in tough situations when you have these kinds of thoughts. It makes it harder for all of the more supportive thoughts and feelings to come through. It makes it harder to be able to find that presence, that joy, that peace, that part of yourself that is happy and content how you are, so that you can work from that place.
A reminder and a possible reframe if you are feeling that you are not enough is to remind yourself that you are enough exactly as you are. None of us are perfect. Identify and focus on the things that you really love about yourself. If you aren’t sure what those things might be, you can start by asking other people what they love about you too. This will help you to get started and remind you of things to love about yourself. Please know that doesn’t replace you also digging deep and finding the things to love about yourself. Still take time to reflect on those areas as well.
You may begin to replace negative thoughts with empowering ones such as: I'm a thoughtful person. I take care of myself. I love myself. These types of thoughts can help you ground yourself in your strengths and understanding that we all make mistakes. And even though you make mistakes (we all do!), you are enough, exactly as you are.
Part of being able to figure out where you want to be and actually get to where you want to be is in the process of being present is in the process of practicing and understanding that you are where you are right now. You are enough where you are right now. And all of that is going to help you get clarity and see where you want to grow to, instead of focusing on the negative things.
Negative Self Talk Example 2
The next example of negative self talk relates to putting other people first.
“I need to put my <child, partner, parent, insert other loved one> first. This person needs me. I’ll take care of myself later.”
That's how they will love me. That's how I bring service to the world. There may be a lot of different reasons why you might think that the and it's not negative in itself, to want to and to care for other people, to show that you care, and that they have a high importance in your life. really negative about it is in the behavior behind it – of taking care of others at the expense of yourself.
It’s great to care about loved ones that are in your life AND it is important that you also have an awareness and a love of yourself. You need to show up for yourself before you can really show up for other people. I was talking about this to a client the other day and reminded her that you can't worry about other people more than you take care of yourself.
It doesn’t matter the type of setting or scenario that it’s in. It could be something at home with your family. It could be something with your job and helping the other people at work. Whatever the setting is, you have to come from a centered, grounded place within yourself to be able to help other people and to be able to show up for them. If you don’t, you will see issues start to creep up with a lack of boundaries and exhaustion that can lead to burnout.
When you try to put all of your direction and purpose into other people instead of to yourself first, you're not helping anybody. You’re likely putting yourself in an unhealthy relationship or in an unhealthy situation, because then people will be depending on you in a different way. You will be looking outside of yourself for that external validation.
The directions that they give before taking off in an airplane are a good example of this. The flight attendant will say that you need to put your oxygen mask on first before helping others. If you try to help someone else first, before putting your own mask on, you might end up missing out on helping both of you. You could lose too much oxygen before you get the mask on the person you’re trying to help and the you’re both stuck.
In this type of situation, you need to have a deep amount of care and love for yourself first, because that is going to be what propels you and gives you the ability to love others and support them in the ways that you want to support them. You’ll be able to show up for others, without burning yourself out, without making yourself sick, without getting bitter, angry or frustrated.
Again, it doesn't inherently sound negative, but the outcomes from these types of thoughts over time can be detrimental to you, your health and your happiness. It’s something to be mindful of. You can ask yourself: How are you showing up for others in your life? Are you over giving when you need to also be giving to yourself?
Negative Self Talk Example 3
The third example of negative self talk is
“I should be farther along than where I am right now.”
If you think that you should be farther along or you’re not happy with where you are, it's usually because you're telling yourself stories and dwelling on things from the past. Maybe you are upset about something that happened or something you did or something you didn't do, or what someone else did or what someone else didn't do.
The truth is you are exactly where you need to be and when you tell yourself that you should be farther along, it's a way to beat yourself up and keep yourself stuck where you are. When you say you should be farther along, you're focusing in on the negative thoughts around the things that didn't go right. You're focusing probably on things that you didn't want to happen or things that were mistakes. You might be treating them as failures, instead of seeing that everything that has happened has led you to where you are. Which is okay. Where you are now is where you are now.
This is example of negative self talk is to help you recognize that when you think about the past in that way, it keeps you stuck where you are, instead of being able to make decisions and take small steps to get you to a different place.
If you keep thinking that you should be farther along and this isn’t where you want to be, you aren’t actually taking the action to get to where you want to be. You are keeping yourself locked into old thoughts and dwelling on the past instead of taking forward action.
The reframe is reminding yourself that you are exactly where you need to be. You can also add to that and identify what your next step forward is. What's your next small step? What's your next habit change? What's your next point of progress that you want to make to be able to get to that bigger, long-term goal? It really starts with recognizing that when you tell yourself you should be farther along, you are keeping yourself where you are. As you as you can move through those thoughts and identify what you want with your next action step, you’ll be able to move in a new direction.
Negative Self Talk Example 4
The fourth example of negative self talk is:
“I don't know what I'm doing. I don’t know what to focus on.”
When you constantly tell yourself that you don’t know what you’re doing, it doesn’t allow you space to leverage what you do know and create something new.
This type of negative thought is one that I’ve experience a lot personally. The thing is, when you tell yourself something like this, it’s another way to keep yourself stuck. Do you see the pattern here?
It keeps you stuck because you're thinking that you're not making forward progress, and you're not giving yourself credit for the things that you do know. Then, you're not allowing yourself to see clarity or test things out to get more clarity on what you are doing.
The reframe for this example can be that when you catch yourself saying that you don’t know anything, pause and tell yourself that that's not true. If it helps you to believe it, you can list what you do know about the situation.
Alternatively, it could be that you really don't know something and you need to figure it out in order to move on. Then the reframe could be, I don't know about this yet. I haven't learned this yet, but I'm going to try. I'm going to make it a goal this month. I'm going to figure out more of what I really want first and then make my decisions for where I'm going to go next.
There's a lot of different ways that you can choose to reframe your specific negative thought. The important thing is recognizing what your mind is doing and then figuring out a way that feels good for you to be able to move forward with it.
Negative Self Talk Example 5
The fifth example of negative self talk is:
Telling yourself anything in an extreme.
For example: I don't know anything. I can't get anything right. I'm always wrong or I always make these mistakes. I always mess up.
Anything extreme that places you in the nothing of an all or nothing situation. Any of these extremes are also ways to keep you in a dire downward spiral, and that's not a place you want to stay, right? When you stay in that dire downward spiral, it gets harder and harder to get out of it. It gets exhausting. That's where anxiety comes in, as well as stress and worrying and all the things that are not good for you. They aren’t healthy for your mind or for your body.
Keeping yourself in those places for too long will keep you stuck in a spiral instead of making forward progress. Please know, this doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to feel your negative feelings. Your feelings are valid. The thing is, you want to try to identify them and move through them so that you can get to a better place mentally.
For this reframe, I look at it in two parts. The first part is, if you're going to say something extreme in the negative, you need to counteract it with the opposite extreme in the positive. You need to find ways to share with your brain, not only the dire world ending scenario, but what's the best possibility? What's the best thing that could happen? If you're going to walk around saying, This is the worst thing that can happen, I can't get anything right, or this is where I'm going to mess up, you need to also look at what's the best case scenario. If everything were to go right, what would happen?
Once you get the hang on this and identify some of your negative patterns, you can get in the habit more of being able to be in the positive replacement and saying, this is a problem, and I'm going to figure out how to fix it. I may not know the answer right now, but I'm going to find a solution.
The more you practice these, the faster you'll be able to identify a negative thought and replace it with a positive, more supportive thought.
The second part is to create your Truth statement. You can tell yourself, The truth is ________ (fill in the blank).
If you are looking at something that's super negative, more than likely that is not the truth of the situation. Take a moment to become the observer in the scenario. Take the emotion out of it and look at the situation and say, the truth is actually I may not know how to solve the whole thing, but I already know this, and I already know that, and both of those things are going to help me to solve it.
It’s about adding something in the middle ground, instead of only operating in the extremes.
What Can You Do when You Recognize Negative Self Talk?
Those are five examples negative self talk that might show up for you. Everyone has different negative self talk thoughts that they gravitate towards.
I invite you to get curious about what negative self talk comes up for you personally. Ask yourself, what are the negative things that you say to yourself and bring more awareness to it.
You can write down any negative thoughts that come to you see which ones repeat more often than others. That may be a good place to start from. Identify the negative thoughts that you experience and then choose one that you want to start replacing and reframing with something else.
Please remember that this is a process. It does not happen overnight.
If you start to replace your negative self talk with more positive thoughts and the go back to having negative thoughts again, be kind to yourself. It's completely okay. This path is not linear. It's a bumpy path. It's going to have twists and turns. It’s really about resetting in each moment.
Observe, identify, and reframe. Anytime you recognize and identify a negative thought or a belief that does not serve you, that's a time for celebration. That means you're already bringing awareness to your mind of what's happening. Congratulate yourself every time you identify a negative thought, every time you reframe, and any other progress that you have.
Another thing that you can do with all of this and in support of these reframes, is to make a list of affirmations. Repeating affirmations in the morning, in the evening, having them on your desk at work or on a sticky note on the mirror in your bathroom are all ways that you can keep positive, motivational thoughts present throughout your day.
You can just a minute to say “I am enough”. You can take a minute to say “I love myself”. You can take a minute to say “I am exactly where I need to be right now”. Every time you do that, it strengthens those muscles within your mind. It strengthens those thought patterns so that they can come to the forefront for you instead of the negative ones.
Remember, this is a process. It is a journey.
The Process for Working with Negative Self Talk
What are the stories that you're telling yourself?
Identify your negative thoughts. Write them down.
Celebrate every time you identify a negative thought.
How can you reframe those stories and thoughts to be something that is more supportive for you?
Celebrate every time you take a moment to reframe the negative thought.
Keep affirmations top of mind to continue strengthening your positive self talk.
In Summary
We all have negative self talk. There are ways to lessen the negative self talk that you have within yourself. When you’re willing to explore your negative self talk and the stories that keep you stuck and work with them to reframe those thoughts, it will allow you to lean into possibilities and move forward. I hope today’s examples of negative self talk and how to change them were helpful for what you’re navigating right now in your life.
If you want support on your journey, I'd be honored to work with you. I invite you to reach out anytime. I offer Human Design readings so that you can learn more about your own energy and how you operate. I also offer Voxer coaching, which is great for people that are on the go and want real time, customized support and guidance. It’s about meeting you where you are right now and what you're going through. You can message me on Voxer (@ maryclavieres) if you’d like to chat or if you have any questions.
I wish you a wonderful rest of your day. Thank you so much for being here and I will see you next week.
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